Intuition, as I’ve come to understand it, is the little voice that says “maybe you should apply for that job” or “you’ll look good in those jeans even though you haven’t tried them on”.
Or perhaps intuition is just a real voice or gut feeling or true instinct that keeps us out of harm’s way and on the right path. I’m not sure. But what I am sure of is that little voice is hard to hear when you’re swimming in a pool of tequila with a nose clogged full of cocaine. And then when you do hear what you think is intuition, it’s a voice with a really bad idea like “maybe you should go look for sex even though you can’t even stand up” or “you’ll be fine if you hop over that fence in a third world country.” The point is I never had really good judgement. Or that’s what I thought anyway. I believed I was just a tool who was destined to make dumb mistakes over and over and over again. By listening to others who sent me “you suck” smoke signals at an early age and then by pouring chemicals on my brain for twenty years, I was pretty convinced that I had no intuition .
Turns out, that is not the case. Yep, I, the guy who once wore acid wash jeans and who willingly ate at Claim Jumper, am capable of good decisions. Today, I have an intuition that actually does point me in the right direction and is there for me when I listen for it. For example, in July 2010 I stepped out of the shower and heard a voice that said “you’re ready for a relationship.” Now it wasn’t some booming Charlton Heston voice from the heavens but something inside of me that said go ahead, take the leap. The thing is I didn’t think I would ever be ready to love again after what I had been through and seeing that I was only a year and a half sober. This was a crazy suggestion because it was something that was good for me. It wasn’t (for once) a horrible idea like “go write a bad check so you can buy vodka”. My intuition wanted me to be happy and honestly that scared me. Still, I trusted this voice. I didn’t have to “do” anything per say. I just had to be open to where my intuition was pointing me. I met the guy I’m married to on August 8th 2010. And he’s wonderful and he puts up with my crazy ass and loves me even on the rare occasions when my intuition is off.
But the kicker is my intuition doesn’t work when I’m doing drugs or drinking. Maybe others are capable of great ideas after a night of partying but not me. So to hang on to it, I have to not be a hot drunken mess. Seems like a fair trade-off.