Am I Blue?


I’ve failed a lot tests in my nearly 42 years here on planet Earth. From the tests in the back of trashy magazines to the driver’s test (twice), I’ve never met a test I couldn’t fail. I’m not much of test taker. Drug taker? Yes. Tests? No, thanks. So it comes as no surprise that my recent depression screening was a bust too. Darn this program of honesty. Because of it I was forced to answer the questions truthfully and let my health care provider know that mentally I’ve been sort of blah lately. She then broke the news that really wasn’t news: I’m experiencing the symptoms of depression.


Wait– since I tested positive for depression, maybe it’s a test I actually passed! There’s something to be happy about. Anyway, as I’ve talked about before, depression is one of the things I juggle and most of the time it’s manageable. I walk alot and that helps. I try to help people and that helps too. Writing, reading, meditation all help too. I’m not on meds of any kind and I’m whatever about meds. I’d prefer not to take them but I am on other meds that work so who the hell am I to say that they wouldn’t work either? People in recovery can get uppity sometimes about pills but honestly I’m solid enough with my program that it doesn’t freak me out. What we decided is that I’d up the exercise regime for 6 weeks and then we’d see if meds needed to be part of the story. The other thing she suggested is journalling. I suppressed a massive eye-roll on this idea. I mean I write but journalling on my feelings at first sounded like some serious bullshit. Like “Dear Depression Diary, today I find myself somewhere between this guy 

Big sigh

and this guy


But I got out of bed and didn’t cry so that’s good, right?”

As whacktacular as this diary sounded, I realized I do essentially what she suggested by writing this blog. Great. That’s something I can do that I enjoy. So I’ll be blogging more as well as journalling in a non-public format. After all, not all of my thoughts need to have lights put around them and turned into entertainment. I’ll even try with the exercise idea– ugh. Truly, the mere thought of it makes me exhausted.


I mean can’t I burn calories and manufacture endorphins by watching cheesy witch tv shows and a eating ice cream? No? Well fine. I’ll walk more and maybe start doing yoga again. The great thing about getting sober is it’s made me incredibly open to suggestions from people who know more than I do. I have no medical degree and I got out of the expert business years ago, honey. Therefore I’ll try it. All of it.


 In my own backyard and on the national stage, suicide and depression have taken a serious toll lately. It’s truly devastating and yet it’s been an alarm clock for me. These events have forced me to ask myself, “Where am I on my own depression? How am I really doing?” Hence how I ended up in the doctor’s office, passing the depression screening with flying colors. And yet the silver lining here is that there isn’t a silver lining. Meaning that by just allowing myself to feel whatever I’m going through and then asking for help is HUGE for this addict who avoided anything that looked icky or hard or too real. Today, there’s no need to dance around or ignore what’s going on and that alone is enough to bring a smile to my face.  

6 thoughts on “Am I Blue?

  1. When I go to a meeting, I NEVER discuss medication. Yes, there are militant people who frown on the use of medication while getting clean and sober. And I myself have been on the receiving end of that battery a number of times over the years. How many people suffer in silence and not do anything for one reason or another? Too many to list. The book speaks of Rigorous Honesty in all our affairs. I’m proud that you tackled the issue and are finding ways to treat/mitigate it. On top of all my HIV meds, I also take pills for depression. I do what I can, I hit a ton of meetings, and i work with others. But sometimes I get frazzled on the edges mostly at night, once everyone has gone to bed. I sit and ruminate. Not advisable. We all have problems. Nobody escapes. But those who speak up and out remind us that ALL of our being is important and if we neglect one portion of ourselves in opt for the rest, we still suffer in the end. The longer you stay sober and study the books, and do The Work, you will see what needs to be addressed. You are not alone, by any stretch. Well done my friend. Know I am thinking about you. It’s about time you wrote more. You’d be amazed at just how many people will respond to honest posting across the board of emotions. That’s why I have a blog, to collect, document and chronicle my life because I may forget and one day I will die, eventually. At least I am leaving a record that I was here. One day at a time my friend.


    • Thank you, thank you, thank you Jeremy. Slowly but surely my Higher Power along with my fellowship is dragging me out of this and into the light. And honesty like your’s helps a lot too.

  2. So many addicts suffer from clinical depression. Many, many, many. And like your previous commentor, I too, am on anti-depressants and I, too, never discuss them at group level. It is a personal and medical choice. Period. I’ve been sober 10+ years. During this time I’ve been off and on them. And I am, without question, not the same Lisa without them. Do what you need to do to take care of you. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Good stuff.

    • Thanks Lisa! I’ve been sharing about my depression (and not medication) at meetings and it’s amazing how many people share with me after the meeting that they’ve been through the same thing and what they did and so forth. So yeah like you said many of us go through it. ❤

  3. While I recognize that meds aren’t the only way, they are part of the solution. It is a chemical problem we’re trying to rectify after all. And the fitest person I know, an ultra marathoner is on meds so clearly exercise alone isn’t the only way.

    I resisted meds for years. I was of the mind that I did so much to rid myself of substances I didn’t want to start adding them. I now credit my SSRI as a lifesaver.

    Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. Chris.

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