“Ladies and gentlemen, please make sure your ass is in the chair and you buckle up. Put out your damn cigarettes and turn off your cellphone. Because you have no idea what kind of ride you’re in for,” so says the woman’s voice coming from the crackly open loudspeaker in my mind. Or maybe she’s from a dream. I’ve had a lot of weird dreams lately. Including one where a close friend was getting married to a person so tall you couldn’t see their face and they were having their ceremony in my grandmother’s backyard which was actually the first Mexican restaurant I worked at in LA. Anyway, wherever the voice came from, she is definitely telling the truth.
Twists, turns and loops. I’ve felt them all over the last few weeks. The things I had mapped out or knew the answers to have morphed into something bigger or more amazing or have painlessly fallen to the wayside. Most remarkably, I’m open to it. All of it. These thrill rides usually go down like this: first I get afraid, then I get crazy, then I let go and put my hands in the air and enjoy the ride. And that is certainly going on but it also feels like my perspective is different. Like I wound up in a strange, unrecognizable place and I was just okay with it.
While we can, thankfully, rule out psychotropic drugs or falling down a rabbit hole, I’m not really sure what this change can be attributed to. Not to beat the metaphor to death but I feel at peace and protected even when I’m about to fly out of my seat as the ride turns upside down. My desire to fight everything is dissipating too. I am grateful for this because by nature I am one fightin’ bitch. The struggle to be on top or to be right doesn’t excite me right now. This is not to say the sun is shining out of my behind and I’m dancing around without a care. But today I’ve leaned into them and surrendered to something bigger.
This is all swirling in my mind currently because on Tuesday, with bills to pay, deadlines to meet and obligations I didnt know how I was going to fufill, I walked down the street smiling. I felt ridiculously happy. This wasn’t Oz or Wonderland. It was just my normally complicated life with potholes and fuck-ups aplenty. But it felt like magic and something I was blessed to experience. Terrific. I’m rolling with that, buckling up and appreciating the ride for exactly what it is.