It seemed like a good idea at the time

Human beings are capable of many wonderful things. But mainly we’re really great at generating some truly horrible ideas. Yes, yes we the people are filled to the brim with great innovations and life changing ideas too. Yet for every polio vaccination there’s 100 bottles of A-Spray and 3,000 truck loads of Doritos Locos Tacos.

bad-80s

Take me, for example.  I,myself, have had some earth shatteringly bad ideas in my nearly 40-years on this Earth. From wearing acid wash (although I never had the full-tilt boogie fringe ensemble as pictured above) to falling in love with unavailable, straight, meth addicts, my bad ideas are as majestic as the Grand Canyon and as puzzling as the film career of Jennifer Lopez. Perhaps I was born under a bad idea sign because as far back as I can remember I’ve cooked up one harebrained plot after the next only to have it backfire and explode in my face. As an early forger of report cards and author of book reports on titles that never existed, the shittacular schemes knew no bounds.   If there’s a Bad Idea Museum, I’m quite certain I’m a shoo-in for the curator position.  Although I reckon each of us could more than qualify for the job at one time or another . The anatomy of bad ideas, as far as I can tell, stems from the corny “live and learn” concept. We have awesomely horrific ideas, we experience hell on Earth because of them and we never ever have those ideas again. And herein lies the problem for your’s truly and other slow to learn addicts like myself.

If the “live and learn” concept was one I adapted, I would have only fell in love with just the one unavailable, straight, drug addict. Not four. And as much as the first experience of taking Special K (ketamine, not the cereal) made me feel like my heart was going to explode right after my face was going to melt off, it didn’t stop me from doing it about a jillion other times and even offering at as party favor at my Grammy party. I must have been out of Cheez-Its. To be fair, though, it was the trannies I worked with who brought it. Anyway, when it came to drugs and drinking, the ideas, which were already being cooked up in a crappy idea kitchen, were escalated to new hilariously awful heights. Like the time I shimmied across the gangsta tin awning which hung over my neighbor’s blind and endlessly barking dog en route to my open bathroom window where my tequila soaked body landed in a thud in the bathtub, all in an effort to break into my own house. Too bad I discovered my front door was unlocked the next day. I repeated the wasted at home break-ins, crazy financial espionage and other stupid plans over and over again. Compared to my life, the average episode of Three’s Company seemed full of plot twists and surprises. My inability to learn from my mistakes made for a fucking boring existence after a while.

I laugh at my mistakes and bad ideas today. Why? Well a.) I’m okay with the stupid things I’ve done b.) now that I’ve actually learned from them, some are pretty funny. Plus many  of the funny, bad, sober ideas of today turn into the great ideas of tomorrow. But mainly, laughter has healed me. I’ve stopped beating myself up and now can see the absurdity and humor in old stories that used to mortify me. And the more I talk about them and more I laugh about them, they remind that getting sober was the best idea I ever had.

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18 thoughts on “It seemed like a good idea at the time

  1. You are hilarious…and the shimmy across the awning to climb in your bathroom while the door was unlocked the whole time really needs to end up in a play someday. I definitely believe that a human will never get sober unless they can learn to laugh at the stupid shit they have done. Otherwise the only solution is to drown the shame in alcohol and drugs…and that sort of defeats the purpose of sobriety, doesn’t it?

  2. Beautiful and human, sir. I laughed in recognition because I was once the Girl with No Common Sense. (Today, I am functionally Absurd, and that’s fine with me.)

    I loved this— keep telling your story. This piece is accessible and well-written, which is an acrobatic feat unto itself. Love that.

  3. Born under a bad idea sign. I love this. I also miss my acid-washed jeans too. Okay, I miss having the 32 inch waist line, the pants not so much.

    • My old waistline is gone with wind, thanks cocaine forever ruining my figure. Yeah I always wanted parachute pants and thought my parents were abusive for not getting them for me. Perhaps they were just protecting me from another idea…

  4. 1) I had no idea about A Spray. That gave me a good, long laugh.
    2) The end of this post was my favorite part.

    • You had a good long laugh? Those are my favorite! Laughing is better than sex and laughing makes me feel alive. So whenever I’ve assisted in a tiny way in giving that to someone else, my mission has been accomplished!

  5. Nice job, Mahone. But of course, I’m going to love this piece. Right? We are eye-ball to eye-ball here. And you’re dead right about humor healing. God knows I’ve tried to self-medicate myself there as well, but with less difficult side-effects and consequences. Good writing, man. What a glorious train wreck you must have been! I sure would’ve hung out with you. Wouldn’t that have been something to see?

    • Yeah, I kinda knew that my buddy Marius would totally “get” this post. I think the bartenders, law enforcement officers, and innocent passersbys of planet Earth are a happier bunch knowing that the two of us never drank together. Still. You’re right. it would have been hilariously awful and a good time.

    • Seriously! The dumb thing is I loved reading.But I loved creating drama more I guess. Glad to know there’s another recovered book report fabricator out there in the world. 🙂

  6. I am really inspired together with your writing skills and also with the
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  7. An outstanding share! I have just forwarded
    this onto a coworker who was conducting a little research on this.
    And he actually bought me lunch due to the fact that I
    stumbled upon it for him… lol. So let me reword this….
    Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending time to talk about this topic here on your website.

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