Enough is Enough

I’ve been in a ton of self-imposed pain lately. Clearly I enjoy it otherwise I’d get myself out of it. But to be fair, as a gay, former Catholic, alcoholic my tolerance for pain is like superhuman. I reckon I could have survived the Inquisition, yawned and asked for a cigarette. Well, finally this week I had my Tina Turner-running-out-of-the-limosine moment. The only difference is the crazy abusive prick I ran away from wasn’t Ike Turner. It was myself.

What’s love got to do with it, indeed! I’ve gotten lazy (okay not gotten lazy- that’s like saying Mel Gibson’s ‘gotten racist’. I’ve been lazy.) I’ve been resting on my laurels. I’m not really sure I have laurels or what they even look like but as a person in recovery I’m told over and over again that I shouldn’t rest on them. Smartassafrass aside, at the end of the day, I haven’t been taking care of myself. Meaning I’m not praying really or going to very many meetings or helping other people and this sludges on for months like some painful soap opera that needed to be cancelled six years ago. And whaddyaknow-I’m batshit, balls out crazy, uncomfortable and doubled over in pain. I have had enough friends relapse or die doing this type of non-recovery dance routine but you know I’m different. I’m special. I don’t need meetings or help or any of the stuff that saved my life in 2009. Yeah right, bitch. Thank fucking God, this neglect didn’t gently shove me into a drink or mountain of blow.

This week a professional situation that has been miserable for months came to a head, got ugly and then pushed me into my Enough is Enough moment. I was resentful and felt like I’d been compromised and ignored. But talking about it would be yucky, un-glamorous and I’d have to be a—gasp!-human being. So I tried to ignore it. Again, dangerous games for somebody who’s major M.O. was to escape, avoid and disappear. Not dealing with things never worked for me and in sobriety the jig is up fairly quickly these days. A few heart-to-hearts with folks in the know and some prayer later, I eventually pulled my head out of my ass. I took a little action, I spoke from the heart and I stepped away from a creative position that was causing pain.   And low and behold, here on Thursday night I do feel better.

I’m sharing this right now for a couple of reasons. I need to tell on myself and you folks seem to listen and get it so why not bend your ear? I like to pretend you’re a captive audience but if actually read this while watching reality TV that’s okay too. Secondly, I want to tell the truth about this sobriety gig. Sometimes, it fucking sucks. It’s hard and I feel like I’ve graduated and don’t want to be perfect anymore. But the fact of the matter is I cannot go back to a life where I drank and used. So I stick it out. I hang in there knowing that it’ll pass and that drinking and using won’t solve anything. After 3 and a half years completely clean and sober, I am not all better. I keep going to meetings even when I’m so crispy dry I could crack in half. I pray a message of recovery reaches me and it does. Every time. But pretending it’s a walk in the park or can be solved by some bumper stickers never worked for me and I don’t think it helps others either.

Lastly, I need to write this down and see that regardless of how awkward and fucked I feel today, my life is so incredible and beautiful. Warts and all. Unlike when I was drinking and using, I know I have hope, that people care and that I deserve to love myself. PS- you deserve that too.

7 thoughts on “Enough is Enough

  1. Sobriety does sometimes suck. I am SOOOO with you on that one. And yet we both know it’s the only path that actually works, and the drink/drugs never did. When things get stressful (or, just on a Tuesday), I struggle to be calm, focussed and not craving a glass of Rosé to take the edge off things, but I know the battle is worth it. Glad you remembered how amazing your life is… it’s easy to lose sight of that. And that’s probably the thing that will tip the balance and make you realise you’re still on the right path, no-matter how tough it may feel. The other path is definitely NOT worth it 🙂

    • Hey! It’s good to hear from you again & awesome to know that you’ve stayed on the not always fun or glamorous but ultimately rewarding path of sobriety also. You’re right the “other” path totally sucks.

  2. You are awesome! It’s not easy to be humble and pull your head out of your ass but you did it. Humility has been popping up in the blogs I read for the last couple days and it’s just the message I need right now. We can’t do anything alone.

    • Thanks Karen! You’re awesome. Like I’ve said before on these pages, pretending I’m okay gets me into deep shit so if I just come out and say “yeah things kinda suck right now and I feel horrible” ironically I start to feel better. crazy right? anywho,humility is a trend I need to follow as much as possible.

  3. That is fabulous. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t want to go to a meeting because I either was too much in the dumps or felt I was good for the day. Then I push myself to go and WOW! I’m never ok until I walk out. I love those meetings because it is a second home. Where our healing is and our REAL selves are. It is so damn hard to face things and to talk about that kind of crap, I totally get it. I wish I could get better at that too. Good luck and glad you went to your meeting. All is well and you are “incredible and beautiful”!

    • Awwww! thanks so much. Sorry I’ve taken a minute to respond. Life has a way of slipping away from you when you’re in your own shit. Yeah sometimes I have to just push myself into a meeting otherwise I can come up with 90 billion other things I’d rather do. But I’m always happy when I go. I’ve put myself on a strict diet of more meetings and more prayer and more program. And already I feel the difference. Thanks for getting it and for being your incredible and beautiful self too!

  4. Thanks for articulating this. I know the feelings/tendencies all too well. I was feeling stuck in a similar knot earlier this week, in fact, but took some of the same steps you did and felt relief. I’ve always felt better after meetings, even when they felt boring or irritating or whatever as I was sitting in them.

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