Spot it, You Got it

I hate when people post about politics on Facebook. I hate when I read things by so-called experts that are clear opposition of the right way of thinking, you know my way. I hate that hating everything is clearly a symptom of me not being good to myself and mainly I hate that what I don’t like in others, is what drives me crazy about myself. Sigh.

After an incredible two weeks wherein my play opened, my mom came to town, another exciting creative project was born and generally the sky was blue and the world broke into a happy musical number, I crashed. See, the thing about this HIV gig is that going non-stop can really wear a body out. Sure, I received the messages like “Hello, we need to lay down” and “Excuse me can we get a freaking vitamin up in here!?!” But I didn’t listen. I’ve been busy and things are fantastic so why should I take time out to take care of myself? Well the short answer is even though I’m healthy and I live with a “chronic manageable disease”, I simply can’t burn the candle at both ends. When I first got diagnosed, my doctor told me “Listen, you and stress are over. Nothing wreaks more havoc on a compromised immune system than stress and pushing yourself too hard.”  This sage advice has rung in my ears over the past 3 years of living with this condition. Until recently. In November stress wound me up in the hospital. So through the not so subtle head cold and body ache I got over the weekend, I finally paid attention.

Here’s where I get back to that open paragraph. I know about freaking time. This morning, I don’t feel great physically so as I peruse Facebook or read articles online I get more and more bitchtacular and before I know it I’m in a foul mood. My sick puppy brain tells me that not feeling great gives me a hall pass to act like a cynical jerkface. But then a miracle happened as I was reading this study that really pissed me off, I’m not angry. I don’t hate everything. And I can stop feeling emotionally bad even when my body feels like it got hit by a bus. Mainly, I’m annoyed by behaviors that I don’t like in myself. As usual, the person out to get me and make me feel shitty is the dude in the mirror. Being preachy or entitled or always right or stubborn or judgmental are character defects that still pop up in me . Naturally spotting them in others is something I am very good at. The missing ingredient here that lead to morning of crabbiness was meditation and prayer. I had an old sponsor who told me to pray before I turned on my computer or looked at my phone everyday. Again more advice that I don’t always follow. Obviously.

But the good news is this, nobody got hurt. I didn’t fire off a bunch of “Go screw yourself” emails. I didn’t cuss out my husband. I didn’t open a beer because the world was out to get me. I saw it happening. I prayed. I stopped and flipped the script. I laughed at how terrible I was being. And that little but revolutionary change right there is reason enough to smile even though I’m sneezing.

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5 thoughts on “Spot it, You Got it

    • We’d love to have ya! Yeah it has a wrongness and bluntness that one might expect from your’s truly but there’s some really beautiful tender stuff too which caught me off guard when I finally saw it. I felt like “Wow! Who wrote that? Oh. Yeah. Never mind.”

  1. Reblogged this on when I am disturbed… and commented:
    Yep, I spot it frequently.I came out of the chute “busy”, I have 2 speeds asleep and mach 4 (usually in 10 different directions, I was glad when the term “muti-tasking” arrived. I could proudly proclaim it , instead of “sitting and spinning”.
    Hey “I’m just an all or nothing kinda person”..Yeah mack we get that honey. People don’t come in here unless they have that problem. Foiled again. Delusion smashed. Ego flattened. I strove to be the best mother, worker, blah blah blah EVER. Yep there was a “right way” and a “wrong way”. Geeze this disease is weird like that. It morphs in an instant! Then came loud crash, fire, smoke, and humility. Covered in soot, gagging back snot, cloths singed I call my sponsor and head in for a face to face “check up from the neck up”.
    “It isn’t fair!” They said “a fair” was a place you take your pig, shut up and quite struggling.
    The Pigeons think I’m a genius. They think I watch them constantly…hmmmm I haven’t told them yet. God watches them, I’m busy focusing on my self mostly but….Shhhh, lets keep it a secret a while longer… I unfortunately only learn by repeated mistakes, then I get it. The reason I seem wise to them is because “oops” is my middle name. They told me in the beginning “balance is a place we wave to on the way up and on the way down”. In this day and age,can’t someone invent a breaking system of some sort?

  2. God I love you, we must have been in the same “waiting to be born” pavillion and played with the same fairys and pixies. This really got me going this morning…I hope that’s okay! let me know if it’s not okay?

    • It’s more than okay- it’s great! I was in a groggy, snotty state when I wrote this post so I’m happy that it even makes sense and that you can get something out of it! Judging by your blog I can tell we’re both quirky kindred spirits and that’s a good thing!

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