It’s all a little overwhelming right now. My play is about to open. I recently married the man of my dreams. My health is pretty darn good and everyone in my life is incredibly happy for me. Things are beyond fine and that just isn’t okay.
Yet it’s those two words above, “thank you” that thwart my self-sabotaging tendencies. On the days where I remember to be thankful and write a gratitude list, I just feel better. I have beloved recovery friends who moan and roll their eyes whenever gratitude comes up in a meeting. “Since when was being grateful one of the steps?” they snort. And I get it. I know how cloying it can be when someone spews endlessly about how grateful they are that they’re sober, that they found a parking space, that somebody brought cookies to the meeting, that the Earth is round. But it’s true- drunks and addicts have a lot to be thankful for. And that’s why it’s annoying. In fact most of the things that piss me off are usually true. If I have to think about how good my life is and then give thanks for not being dead or a drunk or in a relationship where I communicate by throwing household items, than I don’t get to wallow. Living in gratitude means I can’t attend my own pity party. And that’s too bad. I throw a great pity party. Fantastic caterers, fabulous music, and one guest who hates his perfectly awesome life.
The practice is also very useful during times like now when I could easily slip into a “Gee, aren’t I terrific?!” type of self reliance which always spells disaster. I need to be reminded that something bigger than me is at work and responsible for all the amazing gifts I’m lucky enough to receive. As much as I play the entitled jerk, it isn’t lost on me how blessed I am.
Therefore, it occurs to me that you should be thanked too. I’ve been doing this blog for a month and some 30 odd readers (and to follow me you must be odd) have made me laugh, encouraged my writing, told me I wasn’t alone and yes even inspired me. So thank you. I’m truly grateful we found each other.