Organizing the Demons

I had quite the demon collection back in the day. Terrbile, horrifying nasty little creatures that I carried around and kept hidden. The fear these demons produced was a warped,long playing record. On one side was the obvious fear of these little buggers getting out and ruining my life even more than they already had. On the other, the fear was more confounding. I was afraid to loose these demons. I knew that once they were gone, I would be left without any horrible nasty creatures to blame my misfortune on and it scared me to death.

Now dear readers, we can see that I was screwed either way and the best thing would have been to suck it up and face the bastards head on. Easier said than done. Telling an alcoholic like me to “face your problems” is like telling a hoarder, “you should really tidy up in here.” That is to say, the task seemed daunting, even impossible. For years I drank and used drugs and fooled myself into thinking I  didn’t deserve more and then worked double time to convince the world at large that I was fine and the life I was living was more fabulous than yours. Clearly, the warlord of my demons is a beast called Delusion. The powerful and evil scumsucker ruled me for decades. Delusional is commonly described as”maintaining fixed false beliefs even when confronted with facts. ” Sounds like me for sure. And Delusion kept me from dealing with my other demons for years.

But the thing about demons, at least mine, is that you can only keep them contained and in pretty little rows for so long and once they’ve escaped, look out. As my demons became totally out of control and unavoidable three years ago, my life collapsed. Or that’s what I thought at the time. In reality, as these demons were being slayed one by one my life was being rebuilt. But in order for this to happen, I first  had to say to my demons, “No more. You don’t scare me. I can change.”

These nasty little devils have been on my mind recently. I’ve heard grumblings of old demons wanting to rear their heads and wreak havoc.  Lately, I’ve been pulled into selfish directions and I know that it’s my old stuff at work. Thankfully, I have a set of tools and skills to use to shut them up. Praying helps. Helping other people really helps. And telling the truth about where I am and what I’m feeling gets me closer to silencing Delusion and his friends for good.

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8 thoughts on “Organizing the Demons

  1. I love a lot of your phrasing, and as you and I have stated in previous correspondence, I get what it is you are referring to here. I must add that I love the pics adorning your posts. I’ll have to do that more myself! They add to the personality of your entries and are perfectly chosen.

    • Fox, I love your posts too. I have some thoughts on your advocacy posts and once I organize my crazy-ass brain, I’ll be sure to post them. And thanks for the compliments on the pictures. Sometimes the images come first then the blogs and other times I hunt for things that will work with a topic already written.

  2. love reading your blog-and yes I too love your photos. do you take them? makes me think about combining my photo blog with my other blogs. you know, the addictive nature-I’ve got a few blogs on the go…
    thanks for all your efforts and sharing,
    sincerely, and often delusional, nnkato.

    • Hey thanks. It’s nice that the ramblings in my head occasionally translate to the page in an understandable fashion. As far as the pictures go, I’m a visual type and Il ove curating a look and layout to accompany the words. That being said only a few here are “mine” meaning ones I’ve taken or manipulated. I wish I could draw or take more photos but alas time and lack of talent are big factors.The rest are the product of internet hunts. I’ve got a blackbelt in Google images.

  3. Amen and amen. “Telling an alcoholic like me to “face your problems” is like telling a hoarder, “you should really tidy up in here.” On January 2nd, I was so close to taking my own life, not because I *wanted* to die, but because my issues with alcohol seemed so insurmountable, that was the only way I saw to get out. Thank God that didn’t happen, but I am totally with you on this one. Great post.

    • Thanks,G. And thank you for sharing your story. Your strength and hope really inspire me. I too am glad you didn’t follow through with it on January 2nd. Life is amazing and there’s so much beauty and stuff to look forwrd too if we hold on tight and hang in there. I was a hot drunken mess for 20 years and I never thought things would ever get better. But I got sober and my life improved and not only that life became WONDERFUL. The catch is I have to stick around, have faith, help others and not drink for things to stay that way. Seems like a fair trade-off to me. Best of luck with everything and come back often!

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