I promised I’d use this blog to drag out things I don’t like about myself, be honest about them and even laugh about them. So here it goes: I’m a straight up eye rolling, shit talking, sarcastic, smart assed hater.
There isn’t a 12 step program for this particular bad habit. Or maybe there’s a Shittalkers Anonymous and I haven’t found it yet. Still, I like to think I’m a recovering hater. Recently, I’ve had opportunities to tear someone down or throw people under the bus just for the sport of it and I haven’t done it. Not like stopping being a dick qualifies me for canonization but considering my past I think I’ve made real progress. Getting sober has made me less of a hating a-hole for sure. Drinking and being bitter is a classic combination and my negativity cocktail of choice was always a tequila and haterade. Nothing made me happier than to get drunk and talk shit. Not surprisingly, this made my self-esteem feel like an abandoned outhouse by the time I got sober. As you can imagine, my first inventory was filled with people I verbally assassinated.
Like nearly every addict I know, I had an early opportunity to learn the shit talking lesson but it didn’t stick. My 5th grade teacher Brother Joseph, a Franciscan brother who sounded like Elmer Fudd, intercepted a note I wrote to a friend. The note said lots of stuff because even back then I didn’t know when to shut up but there was one key phrase that sealed my fate. I wrote “Brother Joseph is a jerk” and he read it. And even worse he took me out in the hallway and asked me in his sweet funny voice why I thought he was a jerk. A shit talker’s nightmare. I burst into tears. I cried because I called this sweet teacher a jerk. I cried because it wasn’t good Catholic behavior. Mainly, I cried because I got caught. This horrifying event should have stopped my big mouth in its tracks. But it didn’t. I’ve spent the better part of two decades rolling my eyes and making the “gag me” hand and facial expression combo.
Today, I try to not to live in HaterVille. I really try to treat people how I want to be treated. I honestly try to stop myself from gossiping. But about that eye rolling, I’m still guilty of that one. I’m so sarcastic, I probably roll my eyes in my sleep. I do know that it’s extremely rude and I am conscious of when I do it. But I still eye roll with the best of them, I just do it a little less then I used to. After all, like they say “progress not perfection.” (rolls eyes)