You’re the inspiration

When I was drinking and using drugs, I used to tell myself “everything is going to be okay.” I said this especially when things were really fucked up. Like I honestly thought just by saying everything was going to be okay that it would be instantly better. I know now that yes, everything will be okay but it helps if I’m actually doing something to insure the road to okayness. Things are less likely to be shitty when I’m not contributing to the overall shit-fest.

At seven months sober, I had run away to live by the ocean and go to AA meetings and go back to school. I left my hipster part of town, my relationship of 12 years, and my daily drinking friends to get my act together. I didn’t know what getting my act together would exactly entail. Like did that mean I was going to rehearse dance numbers and sew sequins on a top hot or did it mean admitting I had a serious problem with drugs and alcohol and asking for help? I’m afraid it was the latter, less glamorous and more daunting set of tasks I had to take on. I gained some clarity and started to face parts of my life that previously scared the shit out of me. Through this lifting of the fog, I decided it was time to go to a doctor and get a HIV test. I was a 36 year gay man who snorted and screwed his way through Los Angeles in the 90’s and had only been tested once. It was time. It’s never a good sign when the clinic that took 3 hours to take your blood and tells you they’ll call you in two weeks blows up your cellphone three days later at 8 o’clock in the morning. They needed me to come in for my results. As soon as possible.  Fuck. The grey haired gentle RN, whom I’m sure I owe some sort of apology or thanks to, told me I was HIV positive. It was as if she said those words and then I was submerged underwater. The next 5 minutes were a blur as my face grew hot and red while tears dripped down my cheeks like a leaky faucet. I barreled down the stairs of the clinic desperately trying not to collapse or vomit. Great, I thought to myself. What wonderful timing. Divorced, trying to get sober and now HIV positive. Given my current streak of fabulous luck, I assumed it was only a matter of time until I found out that I was adopted or that I needed to have a limb removed. Once on the bus, I called my sister. I told her the news. And told her I really wanted a drink. She told me I couldn’t and told me to go home and lay down. While blubbering tears, I said “I never wanted to be somebody who had to overcome things. I never wanted to be an inspiration.” She wisely replied, “Well sweetie, it’s not up to us.”

Two and a half years after that diagnosis and days before my third sobriety birthday, I’m still not sure that I’m ready to be an inspiration or if I even qualify. But I do know this, I have gotten through what I’ve gotten through largely because when I thought my world was crumbling,  people who had lived through similar things told me “you are going to be okay” and I believed them. I wasn’t like when I lied to myself  that everything was just fine. Oddly enough it was admitting that everything was supremely fucked up and having the courage to laugh about it,  that made everything okay.  So that in short, is why this blog exists. Sharing a laugh or talking about uncomfortable things makes me feel better.  And maybe I can do that for you too.  Hopefully others who are addicted or positive or heartbroken will read this and believe me from the bottom of my heart that everything, will in fact, be okay.

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8 thoughts on “You’re the inspiration

  1. Thanks for subscribing to my blog! I love what I just read. You really are an inspiration. I’ll keep checking back. Is there a subscribe button that I’m missing? So good to connect with you. I want to know more. Heather

  2. Hmm. I think you can hit the follow button in your left hand corner and that will subscribe you. Thanks again for connecting and I’ll be posting more. I’m just getting warmed up! Happy holidays, by the way!

  3. Being a double trudger Isn’t so bad. Been sane and sober for 4 years and 7 years clean and serene. I take legal drugs now to combat my bi-polar disorder and doing just fine. I was married to a woman for 33 years before she finally had enuff (who says co-dependence doesn’t work…). smiles… Welcome to blogging and thanks for the visit.

    • Thank you too for the visit! Very true. Double trudging isn’t so bad once you get the hang of it for sure. It’s been three years and overall I feel really grateful. everything is a blessing or a blessing in disguise or a blessing deep in hiding but a blessing nonetheless. Thanks again for the comments and for the blog. Happy New Year!- Sean

    • Thanks! And thanks for commenting. It was three years ago when I got my diagnosis and I’ve had a lot time to heal and get help. And thankfully all of this is one day at a time. We all get by with the kind words and support of others and I truly appreciate yours!

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